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Keeping a door or window open for possibility and transformation.

Disclaimer

This post speaks openly and candidly about Mental Health Awareness and what it is like being a caretaker for someone who is mentally ill. My intention in being open, honest, and transparent is to release the stigma surrounding mental illness and to increase understanding and compassion for those who are either suffering from mental illness or for individuals like me who hold space and nurture those with mental illness. Please be kind.

To unravel this thread, it is difficult to know where to begin. I have been caring for and nurturing a loved one for over a decade who was recently diagnosed with mental illness. It has been a long process arriving at this formal acknowledgment and I am grateful for it. The signs were not always clear and because this family member is very high functioning despite my repeated efforts for counseling, therapy, and a formal diagnosis no support was offered or given to us. I was told repeatedly that this was just “normal” depression or anxiety and that it would pass.

I feel relieved in the knowledge as now the deep-rooted therapy work can begin for my loved one. I also feel incredibly sad for all these years that have flown by where I have in essence been flying solo not knowing or having the tools to better connect with their mental illness and help in a more guided capacity. The guilt sets in, I always want to do more, to be more, to assist with my whole heart. I have to reconcile my failures as well as my strengths.

Maintaining my hope, being centered, extending empathy, kindness, understanding, and compassion daily is not easy when you live with and care for someone with mental illness. There are times when I feel so drained and exhausted. As a highly empathetic intuitive person I’ve experienced extreme mood swings of happiness and energy to depression and despair through my loved one, and it is dizzying to keep up with. It is so hard to see someone you love struggle and to know that your efforts to reach them are not seen or felt. (I also fully realize that it is even more painful and difficult for the person who is experiencing these emotions.) We all deserve compassion and healing.

Being a person who seeks harmony, tranquility, and calm, these past 18 months have been anything but. Maintaining a rooted strength through maelstroms of tears, anger, and frustration is unsettling. My patience is worn thin. I am still processing it all in between multiple appointments, calls with psychiatrists and counselors. Long pauses in nature help to slowly wind my way forward again. I find comfort and solace via self-care, journaling, and practicing radical acceptance.

And yet through it all, I still nurture and cultivate peace and self-awareness. Tears come readily to the surface of my eyes these days, but my heart is full of hope. My loved one is currently in an intensive therapy program and I can’t wait to hug and see them again. I am learning, listening, and engaging with my inner core daily. Reflecting back my word of the year was “joy”, and joy has been scarce and hard-won these days. This makes it all the more precious, and I savor the memories of better days while living fully present.

Creating beauty and serving others in a wholesome way requires energy and focus. Thank you to all who have written me with such kindness in regards to the latest Petal happy mail. It warms my heart and inspires me to keep giving reading your lovely feedback. I value and appreciate your patience with me as the pandemic, wildfires, and a mental health crisis in my family have devoured much of 2021. I am still finishing up the last large boxes for our Petal members and will have everything sent out by the end of this month.

This weeks journaling prompt is drawn from inner wisdom and humility. Keeping a door or window open for change and possibility. I have seen the effects of what a fixed and unyielding heart or mind can do. Allowing light, understanding, and love to enter our souls and consciousness brings greater awareness and compassion.

My style of art is intuitive. I make one pass on what I choose to paint and embrace what is presented in a wet on wet technique. It is about expression and not perfection. What is organic and authentic. To begin I lightly sketched a door frame on a piece of watercolor paper and painted it with very light washes of Bleu Ciel and Ochre Leger.

Then using our Wood Violet I created a gradient wash that began as lighter on the top and then darker down below.

Using a mixture of Orange Sanguine and Raw Sienna I painted the door in a gradient wash also using the same technique of starting off lighter and then increasing the saturation when moving to the bottom of the frame.

Lastly using Raw Umber I outlined the doorframe to create a shadow. Flecks of Sun Gold add a radiance of auric ambience.

Layers of paper ephemera from happy mail, as well as stamps, washi tape, and a dried flower from a recent bouquet finish my page. Many thanks if you have read this far. I wish you peace, hope, and healing.

Kim Wildthorne

Oct 13, 2021

Hello Mary, I appreciate your kind and encouraging comment. It is good for us all to be reminded of how many out there struggle with mental health or have friends and loved ones who feel the same way. You are correct in that life is a series of ups and downs, an ebb and flow is what I call it. I value your insightful and compassionate feedback and am thankful for lovely souls like you who make this world a better place. With love and blessings. xo!

Mary

Oct 11, 2021

Dear Kim
I so appreciate your courage in telling your story – it is such a powerful and beautiful message, and much needed, since so many of us have experienced our own or a friend’s or loved one’s struggles with mental health. It is also a reminder that no life is even keel all the time; it is a series of ups and downs. And when the downs are long and difficult, it can be so hard to hold on to feeling loving and kind, and to see the beauty that surrounds us. To feel loving and positive takes great strength, courage and determination. You describe this struggle so articulately, and so beautifully. Thank you for your generosity in sharing this. As with everything you do, it brings beauty and light to us, and we are all the better for it.

Sending you wishes and prayers for better times ahead!

Hello Linda. Thank you for your kind and empathetic comment. I appreciate you sharing your story, and send lots of love and well wishes to you. I agree that journaling helps with the process, and that these experiences absolutely change us. Take care and stay safe. Your prayers are deeply valued. xo!

Linda Mixen

Hello sweet lady, I can truly understand what you are going through. I grew up in a house of fear and abuse. Later, more recently I took care of my mother who was bed ridden on my own. Later my husband moved back to Georgia where my mother lived and helped me as much as he could. I felt tormented while taking care of her and nothing I did was enough. Although, she has past, these feelings continue and I still feel guilty for not doing enough. It wears you down and changes you in many ways. You need to take time for yourself and since I’ve been journaling since I was just a kid, it helps so much. Take care of yourself, I will keep you in my prayers. Linda